You just got buttered - the Haggerty way.

Dear God,

Thank you for Iowa. I never knew such a wonderful place could exist in the middle of plains and cornfields. Thank you for the birthplace of Shawn "Special Sauce" Johnson and her gravity-defying gymnastic prowess which she has used to bring pride and glory to America.

Anyway, here's a quick rundown of what we've been up to.

Fargo ended up being a lot of fun. It was kind of a weird combined show with bands of genres I cannot define but the kids that hooked us up there are fucking incredible. It's so awesome to see kids in really remote places working hard to make something happen instead of sitting around in a field or a parking lot getting drunk. Those 5-10 kids will put Fargo on the map.

After Fargo we had a day off so we screwed off there for a while and showed up at Treasure Island in Cedar Falls, Iowa just in time to see our friend Ben running around like a lunatic with an American flag tied around his neck like a cape as he watched Olympic gymnastics. The night didn't get too insane but listening to Ben yell about how his girl Special Sauce was from Iowa was just fantastic. The next day involved us waking up at the crack of noon so Ben could take us to a place called The Falls which was a 5 dollar water park where we jumped off of high diving boards, rode on water slides, took a cruise in a lazy river, got sunburned, and didn't talk to a single cute girl.

The Waterloo, Iowa show was so good. We played the last show ever in the basement of a house occupied by a band called Take Control. The basement was fucking great and we played with a bunch of bands that ruled to a bunch of kids that actually WANTED to be there. I'm having trouble finding everyone's internetz but I want to give a couple of quick shout outs, first to a band called Just Do It that's pretty damn good. I was shocked to find that they were a newer band. I'm also hoping kids find out about the band that played before us called Lighten Up. They are from Philadelphia and it shows in their song writing and their playing. Think Paint it Black, Kid Dynamite, Lifetime, etc. I loved this band. They have a new record coming out so keep an eye out.

After the show I had a conversation with some of the kids there about how living in the midwest sucks because so many bands tend to skip over it to go to the coast (Funny enough, I read an interview by a band a few hours later talking about how the midwest was kind of a black hole for hardcore bands and the smart bands try to skip it all together). I told them that we've talked a bunch about doing tours where we skip the midwest and on our last couple of tours we've been so thankful that we never followed through with that. Simply put, our stay in the midwest has been incredible. The shows aren't huge. We're not making cash hand over fist (although kids have been buying a ton of merch from us). But we're having the time of our lives. The simple fact is that kids out here give a shit. It's just like Fargo in that they really don't have a whole lot beside cornfields. They don't have a million shows like kids from bigger cities and that means that they don't take bands coming through for granted like kids in some other cities do. I'm saying that simply to let bands know that there is life in the midwest. There are shows to play. There are kids sporting a new style called the Haggard Mosh. Go check it out. You won't regret it.

So back to the rundown - we were riding high after Iowa. I considered quitting Another Breath and leaving the tour so I could stay in Iowa. But we got in the van and headed for Indianapolis. I have to admit I was worried. It's easy on tour to be built up by a good show and then show up to a new city where kids don't give a shit and suddenly you fall right back down to earth. I was getting ready to eat some shit ... but I'll be damned if the midwest didn't come through again. The house show in Indianapolis was a riot. The show was diverse. The bands were talented. Everyone was in a good mood. Post Collapse brought a huge smile to my face with good music played tightly. Then a band called Away With Vega played and really surprised me. They weren't a hardcore band. They played a more rock style. They were really good. And kids watched them. I love shows where every band doesn't sound the same. I like it even more when those shows actually work out. We did a tour with Engineer a few years ago and nobody seemed to be able to get down with the different styles. It was either our show or their show. Rarely could kids get outside of their little fashion genre box and appreciate something different. As much as that sucked, this show was awesome and made me think that maybe people are starting to appreciate music instead of just hardcore or a strict version of what hardcore is.

After the show we played a lot of CLO. Kids in Indianapolis love to roll dice. Two years ago we showed up and got everyone rolling at our merch table. This year a handful of kids were so excited that we were back and some bought new dice just for the occasion. I'd like to believe we're responsible for the gambling problems that were clearly displayed by the local youth last night.


Bottom Line: Tour is awesome. Being in a minivan with my friends has turned out to be a riot. Seeing old friends like Sandye along the way (who I might add just came out with a new edition of her zine) has been great. I can't wait for it to continue. Psyched to see the dudes in Smoke or Fire, play with Ruiner for a couple days, play a few shows with Ceremony, and continue the general debauchery.


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FARGO

Tour Update:

We drove about 16 hours to Fargo last night. As it turns out, feeding everyone rice and beans before a drive that long is a bad idea. Our little minivan is so cheeched out with dude stink that it smells haunted.

Here's a quick rundown of what we've been up to:

Romeo, Michigan - I love this city. They have a killer venue called Static Age that we played at. I felt really good at this show. We all did. Thanks to our friends for coming out. Thanks to Andrew for bringing us food. Thanks to the dudes in Lazarus Taxa for rocking, giving us a place to sleep, letting us ram their van with electric shopping carts, shoot fireworks at them, and a special shout out to Mike for changing my desktop background to a naked picture of the dude from Mythbusters.

Columbus, OH - We were there long enough to hear a grown man claim that "Nowadays you don't even need thumbs", check out a couple of bands, play a quick set, and hit the road for Fargo.

Fargo so far is awesome. This Red Raven venue rules. The record store across the street could easily tempt me into maxing out my credit card. Somehow we're not exhausted or cranky from spending the last 16 hours in a minivan. We did however drive through Chicago a little after 3am. I'm hoping our fart stink didn't have anything to do with Bernie Mac dying. I legitimately loved that dude. RIP.

My voice is already gone so instead of saying obnoxious shit for the last 16 hours, I've been conserving it and doing some writing. Here's a new one I just finished that we're going to try tonight:


STRENGTH TO LIVE (working title)

They're selling lies. Fashion. Complacency.
Cash for sins. Guilt for free.
Gift-wrapped salvation for a modest price.
Plant the seed now. Get the fruit when you die.

But I... I want to live.
Tired of dying and I want to live.
I want to live.
Fuck your salvation. I just want to live.

The truth falls mute under ignorant screams.
Pushers of filth that I can't wash clean.
Christ was the product of a desperate mind.
Broken men begging for an afterlife.

But I... I want to live.
Tired of dying and I want to live.
I want to live.
Fuck your salvation. I just want to live.

Take the fruit.
See the light.
Be here now.
I want to live.


(note: This will probably be early on the record. Reading stuff on here kind of jumbles it. I'm not writing the record in order. So this is just kind of a set up.)

Can you tell I went to catholic school? I dropped out of catholic school in 5th grade. I would have gotten kicked out had I chosen to stay.. I'm sure of it. Even from that age I thought their school was bullshit. I thought their religion classes were bullshit. And I thought their stupid communion crackers tasted bitter. I also thought it was stupid that they wouldn't let me enter my home-made bomb into the science fair (that's a true story).

Since then I've been pretty anti-God and anti-religion. The whole God thing has always been so funny to me. See, nobody knows what God looks like. The presupposition of God is that you can't see Him. You just have to know he's there. So we get to do a little creative thinking and dream up God. We get to dream up our creator. We get to put a face to our intangible higher power. And what do we come up with? And old white guy. Are you fucking serious?

That was my first hint that God was kind of a crock of shit - more of a testament to the value we put on our own egos than anything else. The famous question is "Did God create man or did man create God?" I'm going to take a shot and say man invented God - probably an old White one. My man Brad Warner wrote,"The way most religions define God is an insult to God." I back that statement 100%.

The other thing that seems so stupid and backwards is this whole concept of Heaven. The bible says straight out that Earth was supposed to be some sort of paradise. Why would you invent this Earth Utopia place for people when you already had Heaven for them to hang out in? Granted, Earth isn't Utopia because Adam and Eve ate the fruit, but it's the same Earth as it was before they fucked it up. It's paradise plus shame and pain.... ok I'm just going off on tangents now. The basic gist is this: Christian Heaven is a dumb idea. It's scary for me to think of people wasting their lives so they can maybe get something later. It's something I won't do.

This song is about how someone who couldn't understand how to live his life had to invent God and Heaven in order to give purpose to his suffering. He said "hmm, I have a shitty job making shoes all day and it sucks but at least there's a paycheck at the end of the month. I guess I'll apply the same concept to my entire life. Suffer now, collect later."

Here's my take on it: Suffering is purpose in itself. If I can tolerate suffering in my everyday life I can allow myself to enjoy my life at the same time. You can make that idea as complicated or as simplistic as you want. This may be the pot calling the kettle black (given all the morbid shit I talk about on here) but I guess it really bums me out that, to some people, life is something to be saved from. It bums me out that being born is considered Original Sin. Fuck all that. I just want to live.


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Nausea

Today is day two of tour. I just woke up and I'm watching Jon heat up pennies with a lighter and throw them into Mayo's pants. Mayo will soon be throwing hot penny into Steve's sleeping bag since he's still asleep and easy to fuck with. It's amazing the kinds of things grown ass men will do when they're forced to be in close quarters with one another for 24 hours a day.

Yesterday was Buffalo and the show and we played that new song Nausea I was talking about. It will still need to be tweaked before I'm happy with it but this is what I've got so far. This will probably be pretty close to the final version.










NAUSEA

God's Dead. I'm alive.
Sleeping all day just to pass the time
With the humming of the stereo to keep me company.

Nothing I need that I can't buy
Nothing left for me to do but die.
I've got it. The Filth. The Nausea.

Too much. Too much. Too much is not enough.
Too much. Too much. I'm fucking Nauseous.
I need so much. So much more than this.
I've got everything. I Need to suffer.

I hear a train in the distance
I feel my eyes start to well
I want to give in to this beautiful depression
And ride it straight to hell.


Now I've got the Filth. I've got the Nausea
Now I've got the Filth. I've got the Nausea
I need more than something.
I need to make this go away.
I want to suffer.
I need to suffer.



This song is based on a book by Jean-Paul Sartre called "Nausea". I'm not going to talk too much about it since I'm actually still reading it but the basic theme was taken from here.

Nausea here simply refers to the anguish that comes when you live in a world without God. People who embrace religion seem to know what to do. You follow the ten commandments and you do good things and you go to church and that will keep you out of hell and get you into heaven. You have a pre-made purpose. You just follow the rules and you get a cookie at the end. When you choose not to follow a religion or God you have to make your own rules and find your own way. When there's no Heaven to try to get into and no Hell to avoid, you simply have here and now to do whatever it is that you're going to do. What's more, if you're like me and can sleep all day if you feel like it and still afford food, there's a real lack of meaning and motivation. What do you do when you don't NEED to do anything?

I guess the only thing I can say is that when you hungry you'll be motivated to find food. When people are dying of cancer they start to fight for the lives they usually take for granted. Suffering changes you. It gives you perspective. This song is pretty much about how if you want to have it all you've gotta let it all go.

This record is eventually going to start talking about Buddhism and this song is a good lead in. If you're interested you should check this out. It's just a little history about Buddha. He started out as a wealthy prince and decided that he needed more than the things he had. So he went on a pilgrimage and gave up his money and privilege so that he could block out all the noise that came with his rich life and seek true form and true meaning.

Part of what this song is about (the whole humming of the stereo part) is how we have all of these things to make life more convenient but we sacrifice connections with other people and the outside world at large. We text message people we'd rather be with when we're sitting right in front of our friends. We sit and write in our stupid blogs when we are sitting in a room full of people on tour that we could be throwing hot pennies at. We keep track of popularity by keeping track of a little number above our "friends" on myspace. Yeah, we get modern convenience, but we're losing something.

If you're interested in what I'm saying here I suggest you giving Hardcore Zen a read or check out that Siddhartha wiki. If you're not, here are some lol cats instead.

I'm going to go take a shower and drink some whiskey to see if I can get my voice back. I'll have periodic tour updates here and maybe even a few pictures of me doing filthy things to Scott while he's asleep.

UPDATE - the hot penny game is now called Angry Abe. As it turns out, when you want to wake up a room full of dudes and have them alert and ready to go in a short period of time, yelling Angry Abe is better than a pot of coffee.


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Wolves Become Dogs

*Note - I started writing this in April and never finished it. Today is a good day to finish it I think.


"... but in reality, nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different Sun."

-- From a letter by Chris McCandless to his friend Ron Franz, March 1992.

It never fails that I figure things out long before I realize I have them figured out. I'll always get lyrics to some song I haven't heard in ages or a quote from some book I read forever ago stuck in my head. If it's a song that little snippet will be stuck on loop... sometimes for days. It's not there constantly but if I let myself drift off then it will usually pop up. Eventually I'll figure out what my unconscious brain is trying to tell me and once I figure it out it kind of dissipates into thin air as if to say, "Christ. It took you long enough, Ted. Now I can finally stop singing this stupid fucking song."

I've had pieces of this quote running through my mind for the last few days. Today after I spent a good deal of time laying around, sleeping, playing video games and basically doing nothing while trying to figure out why I feel so detached and depressed I realized what my little brain was telling me: I'm too comfortable and the future planning I've been doing lately is only adding to the possibility that this comfort might be sustained. This will lead to me sucking as a human being.

See, I function at an optimal level when I have crises happening in my life. For some reason I can't enjoy anything unless I'm convinced it could all burn at any moment. I love my life the most when I can honestly fear death. I live to struggle. I really believe that all of life is suffering and I'm honestly ok with that. When I'm not suffering or struggling; When everything is in its right place; When things are falling in line exactly like I want them to I just shut down. I get bored and I fall asleep.


Along with that quote that's been running through my head, I've found myself thinking about wolves lately. Not in a "Dear Diary, today I thought about wolves and then painted a sunset" kind of way... I haven't gone that far off the deep end. What I've been thinking about is how wolves are born to hunt and kill. They are instinctual predatory animals. They have purpose. I think about that and I think about how all anyone had to do was give these animals a dish full of food and a warm place to sleep and they became docile and cuddly. What's more, they eventually just become apathetic and give in to sleep.

My life is a dog's life. I've never had to worry about my next meal. I've often had the privilege of being able to complain about how I'm bored. If you have a dog take a look at it. That mound of fur piled on top of itself, sleeping in some corner, or licking it's balls is me. That's my life. If you've got the time to sit around reading this garbage it's probably your life too. It's my parents falling asleep in front of the news at 7:30 every night. It's every son of a bitch that ever raised hell until the he shacked up and started having dinner waiting for him when he got home from work. Now he just wants to watch tv and go to bed.

We're bored. And it's not because we don't have enough to do. It's because we have too much. We're fed. We're kept. We have television, the internet, piles of books and records, friends on demand via cellphone, myspace, etc. And all of it we take for granted. And all that stuff that we think will make our lives better just makes life worse. It makes you docile, boring, and bored. Boring boring boring boring spoiled rotten kids. All of us.

I'm disgusted with myself and with my life. My life feels like a waste. I feel like I'm going nuts because the handful of people I've made any mention of this to have looked at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I know one thingthough: This feeling is nothing new and it's not planning on going away anytime soon. I really think Chris McCandless had the right idea returning himself to the wild and I really wish I had the balls to do something similar... or at least something that will help me find some REAL reason to want to do anything. A dog can learn to hunt again if it has to. A dog can remember that it was once a wolf... even if it was born domesticated. I really believe that.

For the time being I'm at least looking forward to going back on tour. Even if it isn't the kind of trip I have in mind it will at least be a temporary fix. On tour you go just hungry enough to appreciate your next meal. On tour you learn to be miserable for the right reasons. It sounds so backwards but it's just such a good reminder that life is more than sitting around jerking off and waiting for the phone to ring.


I'm working on a song about this called Nausea. I'll have lyrics and a little more explanation about how it ties into the God Complex record in a few days.


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Have you ever wanted to die?

That's a serious question. Ask yourself. "Have I ever wanted to die?". If you're here it means you're probably into Another Breath. And if you're into Another Breath I have to believe the odds favor you as someone who has contemplated suicide. Truthfully, if you're a human being the odds favor you as someone who has contemplated suicide. But the question remains. Have you ever wanted to die?

What I'm getting at is that there's a difference between those two things. There's thinking about suicide and there's wanting to die. I've thought about suicide a lot. A lot. But I don't think I've ever really wanted to die. I've been curious about it, sure. But I've never actually wanted it. If I really wanted it I feel like I would have done it. See suicide isn't an end in itself. Suicide is an OPTION for achieving a different end.

Think about that for a second.

Suicide is an OPTION for achieving some end. What end? Well most simply, getting rid of pain. I've said it before but I think it's worth saying again: It's an option that most people who have attempted suicide and survived claim that they regret turning to. Here's an example from a New York Times article that I just read.

In September 2000, Kevin Hines, a 19-year-old college student suffering from bipolar disorder, leapt from the Golden Gate. [H]e is one of only 29 known survivors of the fall...
“I’ll tell you what I can’t get out of my head,” he told me in his San Francisco living room. “It’s watching my hands come off that railing and thinking to myself, My God, what have I just done? Because I know that almost everyone else who’s gone off that bridge, they had that exact same thought at that moment. All of a sudden, they didn’t want to die, but it was too late. Somehow I made it; they didn’t.
As I was reading the article (which you should really check out as it is probably far more interesting than anything you will read here) I couldn't help but think of my own battle with this. And to be honest I couldn't stop thinking about Diesel & Gunpowder. I couldn't help but think about sets where we've started playing that song and before I know it I'm underneath a pile of kids screaming every word and beating the life out of me. I never really got a chance to explain that song in the liner notes like I could for the songs in Not Now. Not Ever. That song is really self explanatory but if I had the space to write I think I would have simply said "I dread playing this song live because it kills me that so many kids seem to relate with it." I used to ask to keep it off sets because I hated it when kids sang along. The only reason it finds its way onto sets is because I'm generally ignored when decisions are made.

Regardless, we do play it, and kids do scream their lungs out when we do. So for those of you who have related.. who understand what that songs is about I offer you one more quote from the article.

“What was immediately apparent,” Rosen recounted, “was that none of them had truly wanted to die. They had wanted their inner pain to stop; they wanted some measure of relief; and this was the only answer they could find. They were in spiritual agony, and they sought a physical solution.”

Identify the spiritual problem and seek the spiritual solution. What does that mean? Sorry, but I can't tell you. That's one you have to figure out for yourself. Unfortunately, my spiritual solution wouldn't work for you anyway. The good news though, is that there is a solution and if you ask yourself the right questions it will make itself clear as day.


p.s. I'm working on a couple of new songs that should be posted up here pretty soon. Thanks for bearing with me as I go off on little tangents. I thought this one was important. Hope you do too.



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When the time is right, this will all make sense.

When I saw my Grandfather laying on what I knew was his deathbed in January I cried for the first time since I can remember. I could barely look at my grandmother. I couldn't imagine what she was going through as she watched her husband dying. It was terrible. And so I closed my eyes and let the tears roll out. When I opened my eyes again, though, I saw something I hadn't noticed when I first walked in - My family was all standing in the same room for the first time in years. It was that day that I really realized how much I take my family for granted. I lost my grandfather a few days later and since then I feel like I've gained a new appreciation for the family that I've shit on and taken for granted for so many years.

This week The Is decided to open my eyes in a similar way. Sunday was my birthday. It was a great day. The best birthday I can remember, spent with people I love. Then around 6 I got the call. My mom told me between sobs that there had been a car accident. Deb is in the hospital. Jack is dead. She'd call later. Click.

Since then I've been existing in this haze of disbelief and random floods of emotion. Between random outbursts of anger or sadness and at times fear, sleeplessness, restlessness and trying to pretend everything is ok; Between conversations that all end up with the same conclusion that "this just doesn't make sense" and "I can't believe this is happening"; Between visits to my heavily sedated step-sister in the hospital who is doing a bad job of hiding the fact that she was pinned under a pickup truck 4 days ago and calling hours for her husband that she hasn't yet been told is dead; Between tearful conversations with my mother and confused discussions about what happens next I've found myself trying to make some sense out of this.

Today as the minister was speaking I couldn't help but think about how the God he was bringing word of didn't exist. I listened to his words and tried to picture the phantom for whom he was speaking. I just kept wishing that all of his years in seminary school could have provided him with the answer that Jack's son needed to feel like the world was still ok. But the world is not still ok. Everything is a mess and it will be a long while before any of us sees it any other way.

As I was cursing the minister in my head for being a fraud it slowly dawned on me that everyone in that room had to come to terms with what happened. We need our answers direct from God. Anything else is just fortune cookies and bible scripture. As with everything else, the truth will make itself apparent. When the time is right we will hear it. When the time is right this will all make sense.


Yesterday I felt the truth running down my cheeks as I stared into the face of God. God said, "I work in mysterious ways" and I responded , "I've noticed." But I'd still be lying if I said this made sense.


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"Bill Me"

If you want, you could easily tell your life story as a series of great tragedies. Everyone experiences disaster and misfortune. Unfortunately, some personal autobiographies end up being a laundry list of what went wrong as if to say "Why does my life suck when everyone else's seems to get along just fine?"


Despite the path that we've all supposedly laid out for ourselves, the world goes on and nature takes its course. Call it fate. Call it a car wreck. It's going to happen. Something will go wrong. Standing around staring adds insult to injury. Take a look and move on. Unless you want your life to be the perpetual car wreck that you couldn't manage to just turn around and walk away from.

Disaster strikes despite your plans. Stop whining and start winning.

(This was a song I was working on a year ago. Just found my old notebook and figured I'd post it here instead of wasting it.)


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