Quick Update

Hey blogger buddies. Great news. We finally got our shit together and we got the record out to Press. Panic Records officially announced that they will be releasing CD and vinyl in the US and Assault Records will be releasing vinyl in Germany. We are completely stoked. We have a very tentative release date for the beginning of December. This record is actually coming out. Hit me up on twitter for updates. The address is over there

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A comprehensive list of rip-offs and shout-outs

I've lifted a lot for this record. A lot. I did on Mill City too but nobody seemed to notice. I lifted almost the entire first part of Jailbreak from Chuck Palahniuk's "Invisible Monsters" and only one person ever called me out on it. Anyway, for the sake of giving the original authors their due and simply because I referenced awesome stuff for the sake of drawing attention to it, I'm going to out myself for all of the stuff I ripped off for the lyrics of this record as well as the references I made to artists that I'm psyched on.

THE GOD COMPLEX - The title references a Sage Francis song (Dance Monkey) "I don't have a God Complex, you've got a simple God"

NO GOD - "Still No God" is a misquote of a Songs: Ohia song (Lightning risked it all) that actually says "still no guides"

SIN EATER - "Living in Sin" and a lot of the premise of the record is from a passage in exodus that was quoted in the movie Magnolia "The sins of the fathers laid upon the children"

NAUSEA - The title and the line "I've got it. The Filth. The Nausea." are taken from Jean-Paul Sartre's book "Nausea" (which I still haven't finished reading).
- "Sleeping all day just to pass the time" is a shout out to our friends in This is Hell
- "I hear a train in the distance" is a reference to diesel & gunpowder
- "I want to give in to my beautiful depression" is sort of lifted from a Cage song (Shoot Frank)

I WANT TO LIVE - This one's all me, although Be Here Now is the name of a pretty sweet book

THE GOD COMPLEX - This is all me. "My father's gonna die alone with the tv on" is something I wrote down when I was driving past my dad's house where he lives alone, realizing I hadn't talked to him in a couple of weeks, wondering if the possibility existed that he had died, and seing nothing but the blue glow of a tv in his bedroom window.

BELLY OF A WHALE - The title is a reference to the story of Jonah and the Whale and specifically to Joseph Campbell's interpretation of that story. The whole record is written loosely in the style of a heroes journey which I learned about from watching interviews with him.
- "...overshadowed by docile blue eyes" is an intentional reference to The Who (behind blue eyes)
- "If the Devil had a face it would look like mine" is mine but it's actually a reference to Marco from Avocado booking. Marco is actually an awesome and straight forward dude but he's a very handsome man and every time I talk to him I can't help but think that if the Devil existed he would make himself look like this dude. I then applied the concept to myself, who is also a very handsome man.

DOGTOWN - The title is a reference to the zephyr skate team. Dogtown and Z boys is still my favorite documentary.

WEIGHT - Jon wrote this but I still named this song based on a line from Igby Goes Down. This song has no Ruiner references. I heard those dudes were assholes anyway.

MAKYO - The title translates to "world of demons" and I learned about it by reading Hardcore Zen by Brad Warner.
- I pulled a line from diesel and gunpowder
- I had "Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band in my head as I wrote the back and forth parts between me and Jon who plays the part of the Devil.

I AM THE MESSIAH - The title is a reference to a book called "Illusions" by Richard Bach. Those who have read the book will understand what it means. Those who have not will think I am an arrogant and grandiose asshole. That was intentional. Either interpretation is fine as both are true.
- "maybe this was heaven all along" is directly lifted from a Brad Warner book. I'm pretty sure it was Hardcore Zen.
- This whole song is a paraphrased version of what I took from Hardcore Zen and Sit Down & Shut Up.

THE ELEVENTH HOUR - Born 2 Die is a tattoo that some bum had across his forehead. Or maybe it's a common tattoo from the beat poet days. I really can't remember. I'll have to ask Jon where the original reference came from.
- This is a s stretch but the reference to killing my father is a reference to a Chuck Palahniuk book (Rant) where he said something about how in most religions the only way for a man to gain any true power is by killing his father.
- Blue eyes and broken teeth is a reference to Marla




There you go. Read and listen to this stuff. I didn't spend all that effort ripping it off for nothing.



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I don't have a God Complex. You've got a simple God. (Sage Francis)

We finished the record today. All that's left is mixing. Thanks to all of our friends who came to do gang vocals and hang out. This thing sounds so good. I am psyched beyond belief because its coming out even better than I had hoped. Stay tuned. I swear. It's worth it.

I have to be honest and say that I couldn't handle having to do any more writing or recording right now. It's always great to create something and watch it unfold but it's such a stressful process. I know I'm completely spent. I gave this everything I've got. I know the other guys did too. We'll all be happy not to have to go through this process again for at least a little while.

The whole writing and recording process was actually not as bad as it could have been. A lot of the music gelled very quickly and the rest of the guys were really patient with me as I got lyrics together. Usually they're calling me every day trying to get me to finish a song that just hasn't fully materialized in my head. I know that sounds ridiculous considering that the songs are only 50 words or so but I need a lot of time to over-analyze everything and make minor changes that nobody would ever care to notice before I'm happy with it.

We have had one major struggle throughout the recording process and that was over "The God Complex". It took me a long time to write that song. I shouldn't say I wrote it. Jon came up with the visual concept of it and I wrote it based around what we came up with. We sat in my room one day and started throwing around ideas after I kind of got myself to a mental stalemate with what was going to be said. This song is really important to the record and it had to be lyrically strong (you'll see why when you hear it) or else it was going to flop. This song was either going to make or break the record. When I went to do the demo I really just had a bunch of lines and when our buddy Chris hit record what came out was a bunch of lines that I had thrown together with some stuff that I pulled out of my ass on the spot. As it turns out, that combination really hit the mark. We all loved it. In fact, when I went into the studio with a cleaned up version that was more thought out and better written it caused a big split. I really liked the new version. A couple of the other guys hated it. We argued over it for a month. From the time I recorded it in mid December until now we've had conversation after conversation about it.

I got so mad about it. That song is probably the best thing I've ever written. In my mind they were nitpicking it like it was just another song. Under normal circumstances I would get annoyed at first that I'd worked hard on something just to have it torn apart and then eventually get over it and compromise, but this time it really struck a personal chord with me. The most I can say is that if you hear the song and don't get why it was more than just a song to me I can't really explain it in a way that you'll understand.

So they tried to get me to change it and I tried as hard as I could to be reasonable and not tell everyone to go fuck themselves. When it came to the final listen of the whole record that song was intentionally left for last. We talked about it for a while and everyone decided it just had a more intense emotional feel on the demo. I explained that there was no way I could recreate that and that what was there was the best we were going to get. Eventually I went in the booth with the reasoning that it's easier to go in there and do a couple of bogus takes to prove my point instead of sitting and arguing about it. I wanted to throw up. I don't know why. I just felt so terrible. I was pretty certain my song was about to get mutilated for the sake of "sounding good" and it just made me want to puke. I was certain that I was going to go in there an lay down something that was complete garbage and I was sure that they were going to love it. I wanted to just fucking quit. Wash my hands of the whole thing. I don't know. I just felt terrible. But I went into the booth to give them what they wanted.

I think that whatever that conversation stirred up in my guts was just what that song needed. I went in and did a take of it and without listening to it told them to give me another shot. I didn't give a fuck what it sounded like. I just gave it everything my shredded vocal chords could push out. I didn't listen to a note of it and I still don't know what it sounds like but I know it was the right one. I know now that it was the right thing to go back and redo it. I really think you can feel everything terrible that was happening in my stomach on the second take which we ultimately kept. I think that because of the 7 sets of dumbfounded eyes that were looking back at me when I came out. It felt so weird. Like, I had to make myself feel so terrible to do that song "right". Whatever it took, the song is now the way it should be. It's raw and it's real. Again, you'll see why that one is so important when you hear it. I wrote the fucking thing and it still gives me weird chills.

If I think of any other interesting stuff about recording or writing I'll still post it up. This might be the last post in here. I honestly don't know. I know I'm not really inspired to write much of anything right now because I'm completely tapped but if I decide I need to start writing about the terrible shit that runs through my head every day I'm strongly considering just starting a new blog that's not related to the band and is just my own personal stuff. We'll see.

As an aside, take a second to look at the picture in this post because it's a very small chunk of a much larger piece that is going to be the artwork for this record. Matt is working his ass off for this thing and I'm just amazed at how well he's managed to translate the themes of this record into something visual. Not to mention that those images are incredibly awesome.

I leave you with this: The final edited lyrics of this record which serve as the end product of the thousands of words I've typed into this idiotic box.

THE GOD COMPLEX


NO GOD

There's still no God
We are still all alone
No hand to feed
No voice to guide
No words can save
And there's still no God
Still no answers for lost souls
Still No God
But we needed more than everything.
We're all alone together
We're all alone alone
We're all alone together
Waiting for some kind of fucking miracle
Still no answers for lost souls
Still No God
But we needed more than everything
There's still no God.



SIN EATER

We're damned. We never had a chance.
We have failed. Living lives in parallel.
I used to have these dreams. This hope about the future.
The best dream I've had lately was of never waking up.
We're damned. We never had a chance.
We have failed. Living lives in parallel.
We're searching for a God. We're looking for an answer.
We're lost. Betrayed. Looking for a better way.
And we feel abandoned. Betrayed by a God that never knew our fucking names.
And we're living in sin. Living in sin.
Living the sins of the father handed down.
Yeah we're living in sin. Living in sin.
Living the sins of our fathers because we did nothing to save ourselves from this sin.
From this sin.
Yeah we're living in sin.
Living in sin.



NAUSEA

God's Dead. I'm alive.
Sleeping all day just to pass the time
With the humming of the stereo to keep me company.
Nothing I need that I can't buy
Nothing left for me to do but die.
I've got it. The Filth. The Nausea.
Too much. Too much. Too much is not enough.
Too much. Too much. I'm fucking nauseous.
I need so much. So much more than this.
I've got everything. I need to suffer.
I hear a train in the distance
I feel my eyes start to well
I want to give in to this beautiful depression
And ride it straight to hell.
Now I've got the Filth. I've got the Nausea
Now I've got the Filth. I've got the Nausea
I need more than something.
I've gotta make this go away.
I need to suffer.



I WANT TO LIVE

They're selling lies. Fashion. Complacency.
Cash for sins. Guilt for free.
Gift-wrapped salvation for a modest price.
Plant the seed now. Get the fruit when you die.
But I... I want to live.
Tired of dying and I want to live.
I want to live.
Fuck your salvation. I just want to live.
The truth falls mute under ignorant screams.
Filth on my hands that I can't wash clean.
Christ was the product of a desperate mind.
Broken men begging for an afterlife.
But I... I want to live.
Tired of dying and I want to live.
I want to live.
Fuck your salvation. I just want to live.
Take the fruit.
See the light.
Be here now.
I want to live.



THE GOD COMPLEX

I lost my faith in God somewhere back round '89
When my old man came home piss drunk smelling like a whore
And I saw my mother cry.
Yeah that's the day that God died. That's the day I realized I was all alone.
And I escaped in the music
Years passed and mama said, "Boy, that's not how a man should be."
After 20 years, we walked away but that night still comes to me.
When I'm caught in my reflection face to face with God and the Devil and my Father and Myself.
Yeah, we're all one but I don't believe in any of us.
And I say, "It's just you and me now. It's you and me.
It's you and me you old son of a bitch. It's you and me."
Cause my father's gonna die alone with the TV on
And I don't wanna die alone with the TV on.
There's still no God.



BELLY OF A WHALE

There's poison in the water but I'm thirsty just the same.
I've got this way of turning water into wine. Know the truth and I'm telling lies.
I know the truth but I keep it inside. Forked my tongue and I'm telling lies.
There's truth in the lies I tell
There's silence and it's all around
There's sound in the city where it's all drowned out
If I only had a match I'd burn it to the ground
There's a war and it's always inside me
Overshadowed by docile blue eyes
It never matters 'cause the sheep are all blind
And if the Devil had a face it would look like mine



DOGTOWN (Featuring Chuck Hickey of Black Sheep Squadron)

I've gotta do this my way, gotta make my own sense of this life
You don't have the answers and I don't have the time
Yeah I've got a history but I'm not looking to be saved
You couldn't fucking save me anyway
I gotta do what I gotta do
To keep from ending up like you
One more submissive fuck who swallowed all the rules
I've got no respect for any law that takes what's mine from birth
I'm a citizen and I punch a clock but I'm fucking human first
Call the authorities
And I'm calling fraud
There are no untouchables
Not one.
Inside every pig there hides a kid whose feet never filled his fathers shoes
A broken child who missed every chance he had to pay his fucking dues
I'm nothing without reason
And there's something that just isn't right
I created all my own Gods
In the image of my tainted fucking self
I gotta do what I gotta do
To keep from ending up like you
One more submissive fuck who swallowed all the rules
I've got no respect for any law that takes what's mine from birth
I'm a citizen and I punch a clock but I'm fucking human first
You wear the face of some high authority
But underneath it you're rotten. Just like me.



WEIGHT

When the clock strikes twelve and it's all been done
Heavy lies the weight on the shoulders of the chosen one.
One more night on the run
Then I'll carry my cross for hours, days, weeks, months.
And I'll die like a martyr.
I walk. I walk. I walk. Alone.
I have borne witness. I know the way. But I will be buried under this weight.
When the bottle runs dry and the devil escapes I will be buried under this weight.



MAKYO

I can't just walk away
I know that there's a better answer. A better way than this.
But the Devil's playing games
And the razor blade is begging me to listen to my wrists:
"Just let go. Just let go.
Take the vein and I will take your pain
Just let go. Just let go.
You're not meant for this world. I am meant to take you away."
My will is weak.
And my hands tremble.
I take the razor and I say,
"Not Today. Not Today."
"Open up and bleed or there'll be Hell to pay."
"Not today. Not today. In some future I may falter. Not today."
So here we stand at this familiar impasse
It's you and me, motherfucker. It's just you and me.
Just you and me.
I gather up my strength and touch the ground.
Feet don't fail me now.
"See me. Hear me."
I don't need you to take my pain
"See me. Hear me."
I open up and bleed in a different way
"See me. Hear me."
I won't give voice to delusion
I AM.



I AM THE MESSIAH

I am alive for the very first time
Conscious and pondering all of the ways that I've died -
Thousands of times
Hung for the truth while I choke on my lies
I am nothing
I am everything
I am fallen from grace
I was hopeless until the day that I learned
I am God and I work in mysterious ways
I've been calling this place Hell for so long but it's strangely divine
Maybe this was Heaven all along but I just never noticed the signs
I AM.
I am the Messiah
I am the Devil in disguise
When I stopped searching I heard a voice and it said to me:
"God is Everything. You are Everything."



THE 11TH HOUR

We live and we give and we're dead
Missing something. Searching for God.
No point in asking why
I know we were born to die
We prosper, we suffer
Missing something. Searching for God.
I waged my war up from the ground
I tied the noose and pulled the great illusion from the sky
I killed my father and I found
That I'm the bastard son of something made up in my mind
I just need something real
Missing something. Searching for God.
God is just the Devil in the pictures in your head
I see more.
I see it in the streets
It's the ground beneath my feet
It's hunger. It's disease.
There's truth in the harmony.
I feel it. I believe.
In the war that's inside of me
Blue eyes and broken teeth
It's God. It's God. It's God


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The 11th hour

We're going to more sound to finish vocals tomorrow. I've been trying to write this last song for months but it's just not coming out the way I want it to. I'm not sure if the song is just sub par, if I'm lyrically tapped, or if I'm just so drained in general that its hard for me to throw out anything that's good enough to stick. Maybe it's a combination of all of those things. I know that in the picture to the right of yours truly from last week I'm pushing out just about the biggest smile I could muster at the time. That says something to me. I'm not unhappy or depressed and sad and in my room crying or anything. I just feel completely tapped in every way. I just want to sleep for a week.

So here I am in the 11th hour and instead of getting this song where I want it to be I'm back here typing into the idiot box. I'm not really even sure why. I haven't had much of an urge to write in this since my last little diatribe. But all the while that I've been trying to write this song and stumbling over my words I've had this strange urge to just come here and talk about it. Like maybe if I got out of the mind frame of trying to write a song that has to fit a certain style and certain syllable count that I could actually say what I want to say, because as it is the song ain't sayin it.

Here's what I've got so far. Not sure how much it will change between tonight and tomorrow. Maybe a lot. Maybe I'll wake up and love it. I never can tell.



THE 11TH HOUR (working title.. might actually stick)

We live and we give and we're dead
Missing something while we're searching for God

What's the point of asking why?
I know we were born to die
We prosper, we suffer
Missing something while we're searching for God

When I grew tired of the lie
I tied the noose and pulled the great illusion from the sky
I killed my maker just to find that I'm the bastard son of something made up in my mind
I just need something real

Missing something while we're searching for God

God is just the Devil in the pictures in your head
I see more.

I see it in the streets
The silence that set me free
It's hunger. It's disease.
There's truth in the harmony.

I feel it. I believe.
In the war that's inside of me
Blue eyes and broken teeth
It's God. It's God.





This song is meant to be kind of a wrap up to the record as a whole. It was hard to figure out how to do that. I didn't know if I wanted to try to kind of summarize everything else or have this be it's own different kind of conclusion. Then I stopped trying to figure it out and just wrote.

What ended up happening was pretty good I think. Because no matter what I wanted this song to be about being disenfranchised with religion and being dissatisfied with this God dude and just saying fuck it and getting rid of it. In the meantime I wanted this song in particular to seal the deal that the whole record is aiming for which is this: God is a very complex idea. "The way most religions define God is an insult to God."

In the beginning of the record when I'm saying there's still no God I mean it. But the point of this record is to take the word God and use it in a lot of different contexts and kind of fuck with it a little bit. So when you go back and listen to it again you hear it in a different way. Instead of "Fuck religion there's no God", It's more like "God doesn't exist in the way we've always been kind of force fed into believing but there still might be something." In this record God refers to Christian God, my father, me, and eventually it refers to my current notion of what God is which I stole from Brad Warner: God is simply everything called by one name. So the point to all of this isn't to say fuck everything and be athiest and just rely on rational thought. It's to just throw out the notion that God is this old White dude granting wishes for people that pray and look at it in a way that's more suitable for people who stopped believing in magical invisible figures when we were 5.



Back to this song specifically. I'm kind of bummed I didn't have more space to write. I kind of started with this story of tying a noose to God and pulling him down to earth. Then there was a line about God dying a dog's death on the ground. I thought talking about killing God was pretty sweet but it just was too tangental and got carried away so I cut it out. I still don't like that part and will probably revise it tomorrow before I record it. I just don't like the over rhymyness (put you're dictionary away, it's definitely not a word) it's got going on.

What I do like about this song is that there's a lot of reference to the fact that God is what's going on while you're looking for God. And I'm pretty proud about the line about how God (in the Christian sense) is just a Devil in the pictures in your head. Because that's my real gripe with religion. People (including me) get pissed about that kind of God because you can't see it. And the response is something about how you can't see air but you know it's there. First off, I can see air when it's negative 5 degrees outside (like right now) so that's a bullshit argument. Secondly, what's the point of putting all of this effort into praying to this God that you have to dream up in your head when you could just be psyched about that air that's right there in front of you?

That's kind of the point of this whole record in general. You can pick your own God. Make it whatever you want. Why not pick something that's super cool - like everything at once? The old Gods were dreamt up by people who lacked imagination and were too stupid to realize it. Times they are a changin. It's almost the age of aquarius. We need some updating in the God department because that old Pisces God isn't working for me anymore.


With that I'm pretty sure this blog is done. The record is written and almost done as far as recording is concerned. Aside from housekeeping stuff I don't see any reason for me to update. I did my thing and this served that purpose well. This will stay here because it will probably be more interesting once the record is out (at least for those of you with way too much time on your hands and a soft spot for mediocre writing). Thanks for staying with me and following along. Hope you're into this record. It's coming out great, the artwork is awesome, and I'm just stoked in general. I'll let you know when it's done.

thanks again
Ted


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I don't give a fuck what you ate for breakfast.

This blogging garbage is so unbelievably stupid. It's like some new version of myspace where instead of actually talking to another human with the computer as a buffer, you just read some daily asinine post explaining that this person laid around with their kitties and then talked on the phone with such and such. I know this happens because I just spent the last hour or so lurking around this blog community to see what everybody is up to. I'll give you the cliff notes version: They're sitting at their computer typing and taking the occasional break to do some pudwhacking.

And here I am talking about it on my blog. Yeah I get the irony. This post is just to say that I'm not real happy with myself right now for spending as much time here as I have. I've convinced myself that this thing has some sort of artistic merit that might put it a little bit above Suzie's boy-crush-o-rama blog but I'll be damned if this isn't starting to flirt with the line that separates "a bunch of garbage that might have a snippet of something worth reading every once in a while" and "complete dogshit". Maybe I'm deluding myself by believing that just because this is tied into our band that it has any merit whatsoever. Maybe this has been dogshit all along. I can never tell. I guess I'll just keep poking along and stick with the plan.


Whatever... Back on track. The boys just returned from Salem with a rough mix of the new record (minus the vocals that aren't 100% finished). It sounds fucking incredible to my ears. I can't wait to hear the vocals on top of it. I really hope my contributions don't ruin the awesome tracks they are going to be laid over.

In the meantime this dude Matt Cincotta is working on the layout and so far it's looking like it is going to be incredible. I almost posted up one of his original sketches of the cover but I already got in trouble for doing something similar a few weeks ago so I think I'll play it safe and just keep it under wraps until it's done. Dude is doing great work and is really taking the concept of this record to a new level with his visual interpretations. We are all very stoked.

We wrap up vocals on January 18th. I've got one song left to write. I have severe writer's block. I have zero motivation to pick up my notebook. I know exactly what I want to say but I just can't get it into word form. I hope this passes. I really want the last song to be awesome and tie everything together. This record has the potential to be everything that I really wanted Mill City to be but that we couldn't pull off. I can't believe it's almost done.











.... oh by the way. I had eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns for breaksfast.



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Signs of Relapse

Something terrible is about to happen in my head. I've stopped hanging out with people I care about. I'm folding on my morals. I'm thinking terrible things about people when they're talking to me. Worst of all, she's in my head again. This never ends well.

At work I tell my patients that a relapse starts weeks and sometimes months before they ever pick up a drink. What I can't bring myself to tell them is that sometimes, even if you catch what's about to happen ahead of time, the best you can do is stand my helplessly and watch everything turn to shit.


I really hope I'm wrong but I just know myself too god damned well for that. At least I'll get some good writing out of it.


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I'd rather be dead than cool

Don't you think it's kind of ironic that Kurt Cobain got cooler than he had ever been before after he killed himself?

Whatever, that's not the point of what I want to write. The point of this is to get my ego in check and remind myself that I'm a loser so I can get myself grounded, do some writing, finish up this last song, and put this whole thing to bed. I don't even know what I want to say but I feel like I need to write in a bad way. Maybe something decent will come out.

This line has been stuck in my head since last night. My family is all in town for Christmas and I went and met my cousin and her husband out for a beer. When I got there they were hanging out with some of their friends and as soon as I showed up faces lit up, "Hey guys this is my cousin Ted I was telling you about!" I was the life of the party before I even opened my mouth. I guess they were talking about how I'm in a band and how my band has toured around North America and been to Europe so that must mean we're a pretty big deal. Then someone called me cool. And I felt dirty. I assured them that I am not cool. That being in a hardcore band isn't glamorous and going to Europe really sounds like a much bigger deal than it is. That was taken as me being modest and playing off our musical success as no big deal. I let it go and continued to be a decently cool guy for the rest of the night until a couple of my more attractive female friends showed up. My cousin's husband was stoked and exclaimed, "Are you groupies?!" They got pissed because that's obviously pretty insulting but I'll be honest, I thought it was pretty funny. The fact of the matter is that if I wasn't in this band those girls wouldn't even know who I am or give two shits about who I am or what I'm about. I let it go, talked to them for a few and eventually I left with them to go to a party, probably leaving my family to believe that I was taking off to have some sort of wild rock and roll sex with these two women.

That little incident has been sticking with me. The whole being called cool thing is weird. I'm not going to sit here and bullshit myself. Of course I want to be cool. Of course I want people to light up when I walk into a room. Of course I want to be the life of the party. I'm a narcissist. I want people giving me positive attention at all times. And if I can't have positive attention then negative attention works until I can get some. But it just .... It feels like cheating. I know deep down that I am not cool. I am actually really weird. I've been a dork for as long as I can remember. That doesn't change just because I got a few tattoos and started traveling around with my buddies and screaming at people in basements. I'm still the same person I always was. See, I'm never going to be cool without some costume on.

Every once in a while that bums me out. For a long time it was all I could think about. I was always trying to figure out how I could be cool so I could get those girls that I wanted. I was very concerned about sending out the right image to the general public so I could be interesting and intriguing. And you know that kind of thinking still pops into my head more than I want it to. What I really want though is the courage to be the dork who has never and will never fit in out on the street. Being a dork keeps me honest. If I'm doing something that other people think is uncool then at least I know that I'm doing what I'm doing for me. If I have something that I'm willing to do even though other people tell me it's stupid at least I know that what I'm doing is worth struggling for. If I'm doing something that people find cool it takes away that purity. I'm forced to ask myself, "Am I doing this because I know it's what I need to do or because I'm falling into doing what gets the smiles and the claps from the people around me?"

The other problem is doing things that are uncool just for the sake of being uncool. It's like this paradoxical thing where you get cool by being uncool. Kurt Cobain was the coolest guy on the planet for a minute because he would wear ugly flannel shirts and get stupid haircuts and play shitty grunge music. To this day I feel the torment he must have gone through. That guy was legitimately trying to get away from this social status bullshit and just find freedom and purity. I really believe that. But then there's yokels that see this and say, "Hey, if I'm anti-society then people will think I'm a badass." And they put on their black clothes and they do their little dance and masquerade around trying to engineer the reactions and responses they are looking for.

Everybody does it. You do it. I do it. I guess it's a part of being a human being. We're a social animal and on a larger scale we really are one organism. All of the people on the planet are one thing. I guess it's hard to escape the push and pull of the greater consciousness and some days I wonder if I'm not just wasting my time trying to step away from that whole nonsense and find out what I am on my own. But the thing is, even if I am a dork and even if I don't fit in I really feel like I've got something good inside of me. I want to embrace whatever that good thing is instead of trying to push it aside so I can be what I'm expected to be. I want to do what I'm doing because it's what I do. Not because I like being cool. Not because I'm trying to be anti-mainstream. Not because I have some image to fulfill or some reaction I'm trying to get. I want to be shitty old Edwin B. Winkworth III and proud of it instead of playing into this fictional character called Ted AB that was hatched up on some message board and built out of rumors and stereotypes.

The fortune cookie for today is another quote from Kurt and it's one that's really been ringing loudly in my head today: "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."

Today I understand what that means.


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