Dear God,We just finished the demo that we're going to be shopping out for label support. I'm sitting here listening to it and trying to figure out if I love it or if it's the biggest piece of garbage on the planet. I honestly can't decide if I want to show it to absolutely everyone or if I want to break it in half and throw it into the sun... start from scratch. Or maybe just forget I was ever in this little band to begin with.
It's weird to spend a year of your life pouring yourself onto paper, condensing it down into little songs and turning it into something. It's weird that this music I'm listening to was conjured up out of thin air by my friends. It's weird that these words were hatched in my brain (the one's I didn't blatantly steal at least). It's going to be so strange to finally have this record in my hand. It's surreal to have something like this. To know that by some process we just invented these songs and the ideas behind them and engineered them into something tangible. It's strange to sit in my car playing a song like "God Complex" to my friends and sit in that awkward bubble where my dirty laundry is just kind of floating around in the silence.
I guess the anticipation of the completion of this record is especially anxiety provoking because it's me. Every word on this record is me. This is the closest I've ever come to legitimate self-expression. It's going to be really heartbreaking in a way if it goes over like a lead balloon. My self-doubt is really telling me not to get my hopes up about anybody giving a shit about this while the rest of me is screaming that this thing is legitimately brilliant even if nobody gets it. We really went out on a limb musically and did some stuff that we were too scared to do before. I really feel like I went out on a limb lyrically in doing a record that has a central theme, by telling stories, by establishing characters. There are things on this record that make people look at me puzzled and go "what the fuck?!" I mean, shit, we wrote a song where Jon plays the part of the devil and tries to convince me to kill myself. We're selling what might as well be a rock opera to a bunch of hardcore kids who for the most part just want us to rewrite Black Flag songs. Something would be wrong if I WASN'T worried about this.
I think this is what I wanted to say a few months ago about how true art is borne from the courage to fail. I wanted to say that this beautiful thing we're doing could very well be kicked to the curb like oh so many other beautiful things that get kicked to the curb.
This whole world is a giant fucking dumpster for things loved intensely just to be thrown away and for beauty untouched. I guess that's the heartbreaking part.
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2 comments:
I'm sure this comment won't put your fears to rest entirely, but I think it's pretty safe to say that any time someone lets some kind of personal creative outlet out for the world to see, they're scared of it. It's a natural feeling and I personally think it shows a human side (confidence can sometimes be viewed as arrogance too, unfortunately). I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with that thought but I guess what I'm trying to say is, its normal and natural to be feeling the way you do now that the album is finally materializing. I've felt the same way when I've submitted writing samples to websites or magazines for publication, and then the anxiety comes out even more when the thing actually gets published. It's scary to think about the world seeing your art, and even scarier when people start responding to it (be it positive or negative).
In regards to the way the songs sound... yeah, we all know the hardcore scene is a fickle one and kids can sometimes jump the proverbial ship the second a band does something different than what they're used to. But then again, you should also think about the bands that have done something different and made it work for them... Modern Life Is War (whom I know you love since you talk about them so much) is one band that comes to mind; another being the most recent Blacklisted record. Shit, that album's been praised all over and the band is huge now... and it's nowhere near the same caliber of what they were doing previously. I could name a few more bands too but I think you've got the jist of it. Not trying to compare Another Breath to any other bands, I guess I'm just saying that despite the fickleness of the hardcore crowd, there are bands that have taken risks and gained respect for it.
Again, I'm not really sure where I was going with all this or how to wrap this comment up. I could easily say "don't worry about it" but we all know that's easier said than done.
Ted, you're a baby. Record sucks.
grow up.
:D
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